How To Sarcastically Bury That Bug in Your Apartment and Shut Up Your Hippie Friend

I feel like I've turned into a big pussy when I found myself visiting the online memorial for Tatiana on Yelp, while holding my copy of Life of Pi close to my heavy heart. But when it comes to bugs, I'm not one of those saps that uses a tissue paper to delicately transport the damn insect to greener pastures. I will squeeze the life out of that nuisance, as if my parents were killed by a butterfly. If your loved one gives you shit for mercilessly killing that roach, I have the answer for you: Purchase this Dead Bug Funeral Kit, which comes with a casket filled with soil, instructions for conducting burial ceremonies, and 15 eulogies written by incredibly lonely children that have lost a pet bug. There's nothing like making a bigger fuss over that squished fly and holding a ceremony to drive your point home.—James Y Lee